I was born in Adelaide and grew up in Tumby Bay. My mum was a Bawden from Tumby Bay and met my dad overseas. My dad was born in Nigeria but grew up in New Zealand. I am the eldest of 4 and I have 3 younger brothers, Garreth, Lee and Tyler. When Garreth and I were young we moved to Tumby Bay as a family of 4 and Lee and Tyler were both born in Tumby Bay.

I completed all my schooling in Tumby Bay and I moved to Cummins to live with Graeme in 2000. In the school holidays mum and dad would give me pocket money to look after my younger brothers. I enjoyed being the older sister spending time with them, I think is why I enjoy working with children.

After our brother Lee had finished school and had started a carpentry apprenticeship with Topher in Tumby Bay. He had played an amazing game of footy on this one Saturday and he went to a birthday party that night with his mates. Tragically, Lee took his took life this same night. He was 19. In a split second we lost our brother and son and our world had completely shattered. Two days previously Brad Fuss had tragically died in Cummins and the whole Cummins community was reeling from his death also.

I remember getting that phone call from dad, it was so surreal. Lee’s death was so sudden, we didn’t see it coming. There were no signs. To have such an amazing day and then he was gone. It was gut wrenching. It was so unbelievable. I remember getting to Mum and Dads’ home and just running around in circles; just running around saying, “he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t do that”. I couldn’t understand it. I was so overcome from the emotion of it all, it was an awful feeling. What was worse, was seeing my mum and dad so distraught, so overcome with grief. This picture of them will never leave my brain.

For so long after Lee’s death I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to get married or have kids. I thought, “what was the point?” It was a really hard time. In the days and weeks that followed Lee’s passing I felt so judged. Like everyone was judging us, like everyone one was watching us. Grief is a funny thing when it happens very close to you. It feels like your world kind of stops spinning and you just go through the motions of each day for a period of time. I remember driving past the school one day and watching the kids playing and thinking how everyone’s lives just go on seemingly unaffected. I remember feeling stuck in a weird limbo place, thinking, “what the hell, everyone’s lives just continue as normal, the world just keeps turning”. In this moment, this realisation, life felt so incredibly unfair.

Another thing about grief is some people didn’t know what to say. Even though well intentioned some community members’ comments were insensitive after Lee’s death. And some landed pretty harshly. Our world had just been shattered and naturally there were plenty of questions and assumptions that floated around. In saying this, many people were amazing, and all the love and support outweighed the negative stuff. So many people came from far and wide to our home and bought food and offered their sincere sympathies and condolences, and this was so kind. The sheer amount of people that came around was nothing short of overwhelming. We did feel very lucky to live in and be surrounded by such an amazing community. Because of our experience as a family, mum now takes around an ‘essentials’ pack to friends or family who are going through a tough time. It’s made up of toilet paper, tissues, tea and coffee. These are all the items you run out of quickly with so many visitors!

I know anniversary dates mean a lot to others and I totally understand that. But I don’t dwell on the dates. I don’t want dates to be the only time or reason we specifically remember Lee. I think of him every day. I remember him as being larger than life, he had such a big heart. He was a lot like me, he loved singing and performing, and he was awesome it. Music was a big part of his life. He sang at his year 12 graduation. He also loved having a great time, he loved his mates and going on adventures. Lee loved making things, he made our dining table, and we still have this and others pieces of furniture he made to this day. Lee was a surfer and loved the water. I feel connected to him when I’m near the water and it makes me feel calm. I will always have him in my heart. Losing Lee was a very isolating experience emotionally even though I was surrounded by many people and had invites to places and experiences.

So many thoughts and questions, “why did this happen?”. But death is death and in a split-second decision he made, in that moment, his death was so final. And there is nothing you can do about it after the fact. The way each of us deal with and think about death over time is a process. I so desperately wanted to understand what was going on in his world, but I will never know the answer to that; so, I have stopped asking the question ‘why?’

To try and gain some understanding I did a lot of reading about other people’s experiences. I also went to church and being part of the church community and leaning into my faith during this point in time of my life was incredibly comforting. After all the reading and soul searching, I thought to myself; “I can’t live in this state for the rest of my life, so sad and frustrated. Not being able to go backwards or move forwards. I may as well be dead.”

So, I decided to choose joy instead. The grief I experienced with Lee’s death was and has been immensely profound. The whole concept of life and death and how I perceive it has been full of so many emotions. I felt that I had no one to talk to, I didn’t know any other families close by that had lost a child or sibling to suicide. My parents found a family who had gone through something similar and that helped them a bit. I wished it was different, but Lee’s death has taught me so many things. Choosing to live and choosing joy is what I decided to do. Over time I did this, and I still do every day. I had some great friends and other people in the community who also reached out and they opened their arms with love and kindness. I think having kids helped myself and my parents too. Our children are the only grandchildren on the Hutton side of the family yet! When we had kids, I was worried about how to tell them about Lee. I guess over time, piece by piece it evolved. As they got older, I told them bits and pieces. I didn’t want to make Lee and his death a secret. It was such a hard thing for us to come to terms with as adults let alone the kids. If I can make someone happy for 2 minutes of their day, I feel like I have done something good. I can show them how to choose life and choose joy. The biggest thing is, to tell people in your life that you love them. You can never go back; you can only go forward.