I met my late husband Brad in 2009 at the age of 18 and moved to his farm at Karkoo in 2010. Prior to getting married we did some travelling around Aus and had spent 2 years renovating our forever home. Brad and I got married on the 27th of October 2018 and not even 2 months later, on 23rd December, suddenly and tragically Brad died while out diving on a fishing trip. I was 27, and he was 31.

Brad was an infectious person. He had the ability to light up every room he walked in, people would always gravitate towards him. He had a presence; he was confident but not cocky; he was the life of the party. He made people feel welcome. He was quick-witted, and this made him a very funny man. I loved how Brad could make me laugh all the time. In Brad I found my soulmate, my protector, my rock, my best friend. Brad made me feel loved, he was home. He was a great teacher when teaching me new things on the farm and he was so patient.

In the first 6 months of grief, I felt many emotions. Mostly I felt numb, and it was a blur. It is a foggy memory of a time where I was just surviving each day. I didn’t keep routine and I slept when I felt tired. Honestly, I just felt so lost but also a huge sense of disbelief. Ernie, our dog was a big part of me getting up each day. He needed to be fed and exercised. He would nudge my arm with his nose and stare at me with these puppy dog eyes. I had a friend say to me during this time, “if you just get up and go for a 5 minute walk each day, you have done something”. It can be incredibly hard to get moving when you don’t even feel like living. During that time my Mum became my rock, she did everything I needed. As well as our close tight knit group of friends. I stayed with different friends during the first 2 months, I couldn't be on my own. I was so lucky with the support from family and friends.

I am also grateful for the support from the Cummins community. I remember deliveries of boxes and boxes of food from local businesses that filled up my freezers for months, a special quilt that was made with love from the Cummins Stitchers, a chook house that Brad was making me for Christmas that year that needed finishing, and unbeknownst to me was taken into the Cummins Men's Shed to be finished and then delivered, endless flowers, vouchers, meals, cards, outpouring messages of love. This town is truly amazing in times of need.

In the 2nd half of that first year, grief had made a home and it was so consuming. Reality had come to the fore front. Some of my friends were announcing first pregnancies and the new and next chapters of their lives were unfolding and this is essentially where I thought we would be around this time. This is when and how I started to understand the concept of secondary losses. Loss of a future life with Brad, any children we would have, the life we had started to build together, our dreams and goals for the future. All gone, ripped away in a moment in time. As Brad’s first anniversary approached, I remember feeling a heaviness in my body and at this stage I was still in disbelief. I went to the beach with family and friends that day and was overcome with emotion the entire day. It was a tough one.

At the start of 2020 I hit rock bottom, a newer low. I knew I needed to get some help. Seeing our friends progress with their families was a major trigger for my grief. I was and still am extremely happy for them, but it was hard to face. The reality set in of Brad not ever coming back. I started seeing a professional, but the process didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel like it was for me. Writing become a big healer, which then led me to connect with other young widows, all around Australia. Through social media, these ladies were sharing their experiences and when I read their heartfelt posts, and stories, I felt less alone and realised I wasn’t the only one going through this at my age. I started sharing my thoughts, and my words were resonating and helping others which made me feel useful in a read their heartfelt posts, and stories, I felt less alone and realised I wasn’t the only one going through this at my age.

2020 was a Covid year and just when I thought I would get back out and socialise, we had these lockdowns. I was already feeling isolated, but I was at a point to dip my toe into becoming social again. I felt this held me back for another year.

I have always been a social butterfly; I love to connect with people, and I had been an introvert for a considerable amount of time and needed to get back out in the world. In 2021 I was still following our home club United Yeelanna, but every time I went to the clubrooms, I felt a sense of sadness and anger. Everything was the same, except it wasn’t for me. It was hard for my mental health to be in the same environment when Brad was no longer there. It was emotionally and mentally challenging. I had a realisation that something had to change. I knew staying in the same space wasn’t helping me. In some ways home is a bit like that now. It’s home, but it’s not. In 2022, I decided to move clubs. I had some friends in another club and went to a few of their home games. Being around familiar but different faces, felt lighter. I didn’t feel that sense of “Brad’s not here”. This decision made me feel like I was starting to live again. During this time, I was forced to make some tough decisions. I decided to start studying (something I hadn’t done since I was 17) which gave me a sense of purpose, something to look forward to, and keep my mind active.

Writing happens when I’m feeling down, and studying happens when I feel motivated and eager to learn new things. It has been hard to keep focus amongst the grief, it has been a bit of a stop and start journey, but it’s been a good distraction for me at times. Returning to netball last year after 5 years off was physically hard, being older now, I didn’t seem to bounce back as quick as the last time I played, but the connection with the team and new people was something I needed.

It’s been 4 and ½ years now. I feel like it has gone so quickly, but also at a snail pace simultaneously. My grief now is a lot less heavy and consuming. It is not my every thought. I can laugh, go out and have fun. There are still days of heaviness, but it has lifted to some degree. Grief comes in waves. I can have a rough patch for a month, but I know it will not always feel like this and this is the difference between the early days and now. In the beginning it was a rough sea with big waves crashing down on me constantly. There are a lot less waves now than there used to be. I still miss him immensely, but the sadness is not keeping me back from living anymore.

I have done a little bit of traveling or holidaying since Brad’s been gone, after reconnecting with a few old friendships which have been lovely. Getting away every now and then has done wonders. I have just bought a van and plan to escape on weekends whenever I feel the need to and go further afield if I get brave enough. People often comment on how I seem to always look like I'm having a good time and loving life. Social media might give that impression at times, and I do genuinely have fun these days and life is going along ok, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss Brad and feel grief for his absence. I always will. Guilt was something I really had to learn to deal with. Laughing and having fun knowing my husband couldn’t. Guilt around making plans and socialising. Guilt around big events, weddings, and birthdays because he should have been here for them. I have been to 15 weddings since Brad passed and 2 more, I couldn’t make. I wear my wedding rings when I go to weddings, so a part of him could be there. Brad will be 36 in July. I feel anger around his birthday. When someone dies young, it’s hard to accept because it’s not normal. I am now older than Brad when he died, and I feel guilty for each of my birthdays, and I certainly don’t feel like I have lived long enough which makes me feel so much for him.

I always found my grandparents’ relationship inspiring. When I pictured a life to create, I thought of them. They had 4 kids, had lots of grandies and travelled the world. They passed at age 87 and 91. I remember this special moment I had with Grandma right before she passed away. I was lying on the bed with her looking at photos in a photo album when she pointed to Brad and said, “who is that young man? I know him, don’t I?” I replied with, “yes, that’s Brad, my husband, sadly he is no longer with us.” Grandma grabbed my hand, and we cried together as I laid on the bed with her. I remember thinking we were feeling the same thing. She wanted to be back with grandpa, and I wanted to be with Brad, though I knew she would soon be, but I had a full life to live. I never thought being the second youngest grandchild out of so many that I would be in the same shoes as my grandma. We had a special, but heartbreaking connection.

Presently, I know I am fortunate and lucky to have wonderful friends in many different circles within the Cummins community and district. So many people have played a part in my healing journey. They have picked me up from the first moments through to now. I’ll be forever grateful.

My advice for anyone going through grief is: take it minute by minute, don’t think about the next hour or week or future. It can be very overwhelming and scary. Get up, even just for a little while each day and do something that you enjoy for yourself. Don’t shut yourself away from the world, it can be easy to do that. Connect with others that are going through something similar. Find your tribe. Above all else don’t lose hope, you must have hope to keep going. I know it feels heavy right now but when the times right and, in the future, it will not always feel this heavy.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I have a small business starting up soon, and a bit of travel in mind. I am hopeful for a happy life, and finding love after loss and having a family, but I’m not thinking too much about that just yet. We always had future plans, and those plans and dreams got shattered, so for once I’m just enjoying living in the moment because you never know what’s around the corner.”