My previous partner Kirsty and I were together for 12, nearly 13 years. We were high school sweethearts. During those 12 years she experienced battles with depression and severe anxiety. That lead to me falling into a carer type role for her and supporting her. That lasted for about 8 years.

We had - great times together. We got married, travelled around the world and started a family together. Unfortunately, Kirsty took her own life 13 weeks after our first and only baby together, Zac, was born. She had an anxiety attack in the lead up to her death and it devastated me. My whole life changed from that point. I lost everything in a single day. I lost the woman I loved, the mother of my child and my best friend. I had a pretty sudden realisation that I was widowed with a newborn that was still being breastfed. I was overwhelmed with thoughts that included; how do I continue with work, what does my future look like and what does Zac’s life look like growing up without a mum? I had never planned or thought about a life without Kirsty in it.

Grief took a long time to get used to and it’s something I still struggle with today. I had to learn how to live life without my partner, my love, and somehow provide Zac with a stable life and home. I put my life and my grief on hold so I could function and tailor to Zac’s needs.

I had gone from a double income family to a single wage, and we had mortgages that needed payments. This put financial strain on me as well.

It took a long time to learn how to grieve properly as I shut it down for a long time to start with. One of the biggest hurdles I had was understanding what grief was and how it looked. On paper when you look at the signs and symptoms of grief and depression there is no real difference at all. With grief you know why you are feeling like that but with depression you can’t understand why you are feeling like that. I struggled with whether I was getting depressed or if it was just my grief. At times I struggled with understanding my feelings to the point where I would seem happy one minute to being a blubbering mess the next minute at the drop of a hat. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it at all who was similar age to me, that had also lost their loved one.

I struggled thinking about my future and what that looked like, and I thought I would be alone forever. I couldn’t think far ahead or for any answers. From the time I lost Kirsty, I had to learn to live my life without her. I lived one day at a time for a very long time. Grief has taught me how much control I have over certain aspects of my life. And nothing is promised to anyone. Especially time. It shifted my mental space from being in a supporter role to a sufferer. But in saying this, my passion to work in the mental health and wellbeing space was ignited. I wanted to honour Kirsty’s memory and make a difference like Kirsty was doing. I wouldn’t be in this space without Kirsty’s input and my experience with grief and I believe this goes to show how subject we are to our environment. Nowadays I lean into the grief as one of my coping mechanisms. I make time to express those feelings. Because if I don’t, I feel them bottling up if I don’t grieve properly.

Coincidently I met my currently partner Ebony through Mentally Fit EP. When Ebony and I met I made a conscious choice to let the relationship evolve naturally on its own. I pulled back from controlling it because essentially, I thought if I waited until “I was ready”, I probably would never feel ready because of how much I loved Kirsty. You don’t think you have any more room in your heart to love anyone else, but your heart just gets bigger, and it grows. Now that we are a family of 4, life looks different to what I thought it would be. I have a new partner and we have a 1-year-old daughter, Kailey. Leading up to Kailey being born it was a hard and triggering time for both of us. Last time I committed to becoming parent it turned to shit quickly. I had anxiety around Ebony’s mental health and wellbeing becoming a new parent as this was my experience with Kirsty. I didn’t want a repeat but this time as a single parent with 2 kids. I didn’t know much about shared parenting, and I had anxiety around that. Now that we are over a year in, I don’t have these anxieties anymore.

In the beginning Zac started calling Ebony, ‘Ebony.’ Once Ebs moved in we explained to Zac that he now had 2 mums. An earth mum and a heaven mum, Mumma Ebs and Mumma Kirsty. Now Zac happily calls Ebs 'Mum.' Zac kisses Kirsty’s photo good night every night, it is really sweet. He takes that photo of Kirsty when we travel so she is always with us. He is a really sweet kid. He goes out of his way to talk about Kirsty with me as he knows how special that is for me.

Kirsty’s parents Sharon and Trevor are family as well as Kirsty’s sister Tegan, her husband Foz and kids. We catch up regularly and as often as we can. We refer to them as Kailey’s grandparents as well. Ebony has a great relationship with them and has essentially adopted them as in laws and family. Ebs is amazing and she is incredibly supportive.

I know kids bring a lot of love and joy to a family and I knew our lives would change, but I could never have imagined the love and joy Kailey brings to our life and family! Love grows and grows more again, and your heart just gets bigger.